The report also cited some examples where work is needed, including this example from the DoD’s “about us” webpage:
“The Secretary of Defense is the principal defense policy advisor to the President. Under the direction of the President, the Secretary exercises authority, direction, and control over the Department of Defense. The Deputy Secretary, the second-highest ranking official in the DoD, is delegated full power and authority to act for the Secretary and to exercise the powers of the Secretary on any and all matters for which the Secretary is authorized to act.”
The report said that passage contains too much passive voice, redundancy and unnecessarily complex sentences, and doesn’t tell what the department actually does, the report said.
Similarly, it pointed to this passage from a State Department guide to adopting children from other countries:
“The Hague Convention on the Protection of Children and Co-operation in Respect of Inter-Country Adoption (Hague Adoption Convention) is an international agreement to safeguard intercountry adoptions. Concluded on May 29, 1993 in The Hague, the Netherlands, the Convention establishes international standards of practices for intercountry adoptions. The United States signed the Convention in 1994, and the Convention entered into force for the United States in April 2008. If you adopt from a country that is party to the Convention (Convention countries), your adoption has additional protections as well as some added requirements.”
That passage too uses too much passive voice, more words than needed, and puts the most important sentence at the end of the paragraph rather than at the beginning, it said.
